Borderlands VII Machinabridged
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: Your favourite Vault Hunters turn the world of Final Fantasy upside down with this truly outrageously laugh out loud funny spoof of the famed TFS abridged series
1. Cast

**BORDERLANDS VII MACHINABRIDGED**

 **CAST**

 **AXTON as CLOUD**

 **ROLAND as BARRET**

 **MAYA as AERITH (she lives this time)**

 **NISHA as TIFA**

 **CLAPTRAP as RED XIII**

 **DR. NAKAYAMA as DR. HOJO**

 **MOXXI as AERITH'S MOTHER**

 **ANGEL as MARLENE**

 **SALVADOR as WEDGE**

 **ZER0 as BIGGS**

 **GAIGE as JESSIE**

 **MORDECAI as ZACK**

 **TASSITER as PRESIDENT SHINRA**

 **THE MERRIFF as PALMER**

 **RHYS as REEVE, RENO and RUFUS SHINRA**

 **FIONA as THE BARONESS**

 **And HANDSOME JACK as SEPHIROTH**


	2. Episode 1

BORDERLANDS VII MACHINABRIDGED

 **EPISODE 1**

 **Hyperion Train Security: Isn't there a conductor or something?**

 **Salvador: CRIMSON RAIDERS! CQC**

 **Gaige: CRIMSON RAIDERS! CQC**

 **Salvador: Gaige, did the doc give you a root canal or a punch in the face?**

 **Roland: all right soldier boy, it's showtime**

 **Axton: Showtime, huh? Guess I'd better perform**

 **Roland: Mmmm mother of God…**

 **Roland: Ok, plan is; you're gonna hide the bodies and…**

 **Axton: I'm sorry could you repeat that?**

 **Roland: NOT GET INTO ANY TROUBLE Da's right! Now biggity bounce to it, baby! Nisha, your friend is killing me**

 **Axton: Like you killed those two guards?**

 **Hyperion Engineer: Hold it right there, sir, that Vault Hunter just killed two guards**

 **Axton: AW C'MON**

 ***fight music starts***

 **Axton: I know you're kinda upset…**

 **Axton: a little trigger-happy, ok I'm fine with that but could you NOT SHOOT ME?**

 **Axton: YOU MADE ME DO THIS! GYAAAAHHHH**

 **Axton: Self defense**

 **Zer0: hey new guy, did you take care of the bodies?**

 **Axton: yeah, all four of them**

 **Gaige: FOUR OF THEM?!**

 **Axton: Yeah, you, uh… you guys**

 **Salvador: seriously, you don't know our names?**

 **Axton: well you never asked me about my name**

 **Gaige: WELL WHAT IS YOUR NAME?**

 **Axton: It's…**

 **CROUDO KUN**

 **BLONDE ZACK**

 **AXTON**

 **Axton: Axton**

 **Roland: Axton, huh? Is that because you rain on everyone's parade?**

 **Axton: Nooo, those are Bricks, and no one likes them**

 **Gaige: OH MY GOD I GOT IT**

 **Salvador: Gaige, was the facial operation really necessary?**

 **Roland: hey soldier boy…**

 **Roland: don't fuck up**

 **Roland: because if you do fuck up, you gonna have to answer to me**

 **MR. T**

 **MIKE TYSON**

 **GEORGE FOREMAN**

 **ROLAND**

 **Roland: and bein' Nisha's bestie will not save you from the wrath of Roland! Now hurry up, we need to take care of this place**

 **Axton: Why? What's wrong with this place?**

 **Axton: could someone explain to me why we're here?**

 **Roland: lemme ask you somethin' soldier boy, do you know what this factory does?**

 **Axton: provides zero mission energy**

 **Roland: oh, oh really then what's that comin' outta the chimney stack?**

 **Axton: oh that'd be the zero… ooh shit**

 **Roland: that's right soldier boy! We are gonna make em pay for their transgressions against Pandora's people! Pollutin' Pandora's city to make a quick buck, by God almighty THERE WILL BE A CRIMSON RAID OF JUSTICE**

 **Axton: and, uh, how are you gonna achieve all this?**

 **Roland: we gonna blow this mothafucka up**

 **Axton: ooohhh… yay**

 **Roland: Nisha DID fill you in, right?**

 **Axton: all she said was hey Axton, could you do me a solid? I'll be super easy**

 **Zer0: to be fair all we have to do is plant a bomb**

 **Roland: an' guess who's plantin' de bomb?**

 **Axton: Uugghh… me**

 **Roland: And guess who's comin with you?**

 **Axton: Ohhh… you**

 **Roland: Da's right! I'mma be your spirit animal, giving you advice. Ask me what ya should do**

 **Axton: Spirit animal, what should I do?**

 **Roland: Don't fuck up**

 **Roland: Plant the bomb and set the timer. Then we bounce like titties, baby**

 **Axton: Speakin' of titties, when we get back, Nisha and I are gonna have a serious…**

 **Voice: Hey, uh… hey Axton?**

 **Voice: Don't do that whole plantin the bomb thing… that's a bad**

 **Axton: Why? Who… are you?**

 **Voice: well I could tell you… bye**

 **Axton: Blaagh**

 **Roland: Whaddya mean Blaagh?**

 **Axton: I… I heard a voice in my head**

 **Roland: what'd it say?**

 **Axton: It told me… not to blow this place up**

 **Roland: Hmmm… either you makin it up and you lyin, or you crazy**

 **Roland: Really crazy. Like I don't trust you with the bomb crazy**

 **Axton: well, then it's a good thing I'm not crazy**

 **Roland: Good! Now do as I told you and don't fuck up**

 **Hyperion: HYPERION SECURITY BREACH. FOUR BODIES FOUND AT HYPERION TRAIN STATION**

 **Roland: DID YOU FUCK UP?!**

 **Hyperion: SENDING KILLER DEATH ROBOT**

 **Axton: I… might have fucked up, yes**

 **Roland: alright soldier boy, show me whatcha got**

 **Axton: Time to cut this bucket of bolts down to size**

 **Roland: …Wow**

 **Axton: Trust me my skills are quite useful**

 **Roland: ARE THEY REALLY?**

 **Axton: Trust me… I was in DAHL**

 **Roland: RIGHT NOW THAT FACT IS SCARING ME, AND THESE ROBOTS, THEY CAN LITERALLY SENSE FEAR**

 **Roland: SEE THAT? IT KNOWS IM AFRAID**

 **Axton: well what should I do?**

 **Roland: TRY… SOMETHING… DIFFERENT**

 **Axton: ok, how about… this?**

 **Roland: Ok now insert the wires**

 **Axton: I know**

 **Roland: Make sure the charges are set**

 **Axton: I know**

 **Roland: Set the timer**

 **Axton: I really don't need you micromanaging me**

 **Roland: OH REALLY? BECAUSE OF THE EVENTS OF TODAY I WOULD RESPECTFULLY HAVE TO DISAGREE. NOW SET IT FOR 10 MINUTES**

 **Axton: FINE**

 **Roland: OOOHHHHH**

 **Axton: SHIT**

 **Roland: do not…**

 **Axton: I can fix this**

 **Roland: Do NOT…**

 **Axton: I can fix this…**

 **Roland: DO NOT TOUCH IT AGAIN**

 **Axton: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**

 **Gaige: HELP ME MY FOOT IS STUCK**

 **Axton: I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANNA FUCK WE GOTTA GO**

 **Axton: WHAT?**

 **Axton: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god**

 **Roland: GUUUNNNNN**

 **Zer0: Hey, how'd the mission go?**

 **Axton: I- I think something went wrong**

 **Roland: SOLDIER BOY FUCKED UP**


End file.
